If you’re preparing for IVF or already somewhere in the process, you’ve probably already realized how overwhelming it can be emotionally, physically, and financially. There’s no one-size-fits-all roadmap, and most of us walk into it with a head full of hope and a heart completely unprepared for the ups and downs. Looking back, there’s so much I wish I had known– things I wish someone had told me before my first cycle, or even before our initial consult. This post is a personal reflection on what I wish I knew before IVF: the hard truths, the unexpected emotions, and the quiet lessons I had to learn the hard way.

While Kyle and I choose to keep many of the intimate details of our journey private, I’m sharing this in the hope that it helps someone feel a little more prepared—and a lot less alone. So, here are eight things I genuinely wish I knew before starting IVF–

What I Wish I Knew before IVF

1. You’re Not Alone

Infertility feels isolating, especially when you’re surrounded by pregnancy announcements and baby showers. Even though we had family members who’d gone through it, we still felt like we were navigating something entirely foreign. What I wish I knew from the beginning is that there’s an incredibly supportive infertility community out there. You just have to know where to look.

Instagram, Reddit, Facebook support groups– they’re filled with women and couples who get it. They understand the medications, the heartbreak, the two-week waits, and the crushing disappointment of a failed cycle. Finding the right community helped me feel seen, validated, and less alone in a journey that can otherwise feel impossibly isolating.

2. The Statistics Are Grim for a Reason

I went into IVF thinking I’d be the exception. I’d heard the statistics, but I believed if I worked hard enough and followed every rule, I’d beat the odds. But IVF is filled with attrition at every step: from egg retrieval to fertilization to blastocyst development to genetic testing to transfer… and beyond.

The truth is, most of us will fall into the average. And that’s okay. Those numbers exist for a reason– not to discourage us, but to prepare us. Being part of the “statistical norm” doesn’t mean you’re failing; it just means you’re human.

3. You Have to Advocate for Yourself

If I could go back and change one thing, I’d speak up more. Before our second retrieval, I had questions and concerns about my protocol, but I stayed quiet. Even though I’d done hundreds of hours of research, I didn’t think I had a right to speak up or question their decisions. I assumed the clinic and my RE knew best.

And while they are the experts, you know your body. If something feels off or if you’re not comfortable with a particular part of your protocol, say something. Ask the questions. Request second opinions. IVF is too expensive and too emotional to sit quietly on the sidelines of your own care plan.

4. The Right Clinic Can Make All the Difference

Clinics with long waitlists usually earn that demand for a reason. They have top-tier embryology labs, impressive success rates, and some of the best reproductive endocrinologists in the country. They’re not always necessary for straightforward cases, but for more complex diagnoses, they can be game changers.

In our case, I wish we’d been steered toward a specialty clinic sooner. It might have saved us from multiple failed cycles, a lot of unnecessary heartache, and constant second-guessing. Yes, they’re often more expensive, but in hindsight, the higher cost would’ve been worth it (emotionally and financially), given the road we ended up traveling.

That said, don’t choose a clinic based on reputation alone. If you don’t feel supported, heard, or emotionally safe with your doctor or care team, it’s okay to look elsewhere, even if they are one of the best in the country. You need a team that treats you like a person, not a number, especially during something as vulnerable as IVF.

Tip: Before committing to a clinic, always check Fertility IQ! It’s a free platform filled with patient reviews and real insights that can help you navigate your options.

5. You Can’t Control What You Can’t Control

Y’all, I did everything. Fertility-friendly diet. The recommended amount of moderate-only exercise. Red light therapy. Twice-weekly acupuncture. $300+ in monthly supplements. I believed that if I checked every box, I could control the outcome.

But that’s the hardest truth about IVF: even if you do everything “right,” you still may not get the result you want. There’s no secret formula. You can support your body, but you can’t force success. That lack of control can be heartbreaking, but acknowledging it was ultimately freeing.

6. Grief Is Not Linear

IVF grief is its own category of grief. You mourn embryos, failed cycles, cancelled transfers. You become attached to tiny clusters of cells you never even meet.

The five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) don’t follow a straight line. You can feel peaceful one moment and devastated the next. And even when you’re technically “moving forward,” you may still be grieving past losses. As disorienting as it all feels, it’s not only normal, it’s a necessary part of the healing process.

7. It’s Okay If You’re Not Okay

Infertility affects every part of your life– your relationship, your mental health, your self-worth. There were times I didn’t recognize myself. Times when even getting out of bed felt like a win.

If that’s where you are, I promise you’re not broken. Seek therapy (a hundred times this). Take breaks. Unfollow accounts that trigger you. Set boundaries, even if they’re uncomfortable. Protect your peace because this journey can be long, and you deserve to survive it with your heart intact.

8. It Will Be Okay– Even If It Doesn’t Go As Planned

I’m not here to sugarcoat anything. IVF is brutal, and for many of us, it doesn’t go as expected. But with time, healing happens. Peace returns. Whether your path leads to pregnancy, to donor embryos, to adoption, or to a decision to stop treatments altogether, you will be okay. You will find light again. And you’ll carry a strength you never knew you had.

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IVF really is so much more than a medical process. It’s an emotional marathon, a test of patience, and for many of us, the hardest thing we’ve ever faced. If you’re in the middle of it, just beginning, or supporting someone you love through it, I hope this post helps you feel a little more seen, a little more prepared, and a little less alone.

There’s no perfect way to navigate infertility, but there is power in community and strength in shared experience. You’re not broken, you’re not weak, and you’re definitely not alone. If you’ve navigated infertility and have some IVF advice or infertility support resources to share, I’d love to hear from you. What do you wish you knew before starting this journey? Your insight might be exactly what someone else needs to hear right now.

PS- If you’re here to learn how to support a loved one going through IVF, don’t miss these thoughtful IVF gift ideas. Also, kudos to you for doing the research. It means more than you know!